Numb....

I just want to laugh. My heartfelt , deep from within, laugh. I want to smile. My smile is genuine. It lights up my face transforming me into something almost ethereal. It draws you in. I know. You want to smile the way I do. You want to be near in case it rubs off and by chance you might feel it. The Midas of Joy. You can't acquire what I have. It's inside. It's freedom. It's my sense of self and my sense of me. 

Then I am numb. For you. To you. Because of you. I'm not quite sure. I'm just incapable of of surrendering me, myself, to the feeling. In becoming so good at telling you what you want to hear, I have forgotten to admit how I really feel. The whole while, you are blind...so naive....you can't read in between the lines.....you just hear my sweet whispers, you hear what I say. You never listen to what I can't tell you......you are just as guilty as me. My words, said by rote, make you melt...if you only knew, but you all react the same way. How can you not know? Am I so good? You are the now....not my tomorrow. NEVER my tomorrow. Numb to everything but myself. But.......

The One will see. The inside. The real. Will hear what you don't. Then I will not be numb. I will stop the mindless chatter. My words will matter.

My laugh will be for Him. With Him.