Λιωμα......

and it melted away just like that........my resolve. I'm free.........I'm fucking free from the feeling......from the lack of feeling. From numb.


μοίρα

τύχη

do I believe in those words? God yes.....the instant I turned....your eyes, your words.....I followed, guided by something that ignored my angst. 

I'm consumed.....μου λείπεις......I'm happy. It's just right. You make me feel right. You are perfect. I'm perfect with you. Now....smiling. 

Λιωμα......

Swan Song

My one forever constant.

Alternated between loving, hating, despising, adoring, cherishing, always something. Longing, lusting for you with a manic need. Manic love. 

You, my planned tomorrow from an accidental yesterday. 

My solace, keeping sadness at bay.....there was the constant, the crutch of you. 

I depended on YOU...and in turn it enabled my independence. I needed no one. I had you. 

Thirst to feel those somethings, those anything moments.Years of thirst led me to the mirage..to you. 

You were not you or maybe I am no longer the me I was with you. 

Hopes dashed. I'm filled with nothing. What I thought, isn't. Even my crocodile tears believed what my very being so wanted. I lived on old memories but I didn't account for change. I just wasn't the same yet I didn't know, until I was staring at a stranger. 

My one forever constant......

is just no more. 

Numb....

I just want to laugh. My heartfelt , deep from within, laugh. I want to smile. My smile is genuine. It lights up my face transforming me into something almost ethereal. It draws you in. I know. You want to smile the way I do. You want to be near in case it rubs off and by chance you might feel it. The Midas of Joy. You can't acquire what I have. It's inside. It's freedom. It's my sense of self and my sense of me. 

Then I am numb. For you. To you. Because of you. I'm not quite sure. I'm just incapable of of surrendering me, myself, to the feeling. In becoming so good at telling you what you want to hear, I have forgotten to admit how I really feel. The whole while, you are blind...so naive....you can't read in between the lines.....you just hear my sweet whispers, you hear what I say. You never listen to what I can't tell you......you are just as guilty as me. My words, said by rote, make you melt...if you only knew, but you all react the same way. How can you not know? Am I so good? You are the now....not my tomorrow. NEVER my tomorrow. Numb to everything but myself. But.......

The One will see. The inside. The real. Will hear what you don't. Then I will not be numb. I will stop the mindless chatter. My words will matter.

My laugh will be for Him. With Him. 

Disruption

Confused. I'm set. I don't need you. I never asked for any of you. I didn't. 

Sneaking your way in....

beautiful

sexy

smart

those eyes

lips

that body

Say what? Keep it to yourself. WHO asked YOU?

Do you fit in to my plan? No one will take me off my path. My plan is laid in stone. I want what waits for me at the end of this 7 year road. Will you be there with me? That, my friend, I don't know. 

I am immune to your charm. Yes I really am. Just like I am to his and his and his and his too. Flattery might get you everywhere for a minute but that minute leads to nowhere fast. 

My soul is hard. It has to be. I'm too afraid to lose. Too afraid to give in and feel. If I let you in.....I might find I'm broken. Do I need to know, instead of wonder, that I don't know how to feel? 

I so want to feel....I want to melt in your arms...in your smile. I want to let go. I can't. I can't. Too many I cant's. Too many reasons. Too many excuses. But they are mine. Mediocrity is not for me. Will you take me there? Will you take my sunshine? Will my path stop short? I want so many things. I need. I need so many things. For me. To be who I want. What I want. What I need. Can I have them with you? I didn't let the others. 

It could be so easy to close my eyes and see you by my side....on my path. 

walking

beside

holding

my 

hand

supporting. 

Confused......

Blinders....

I say one thing and you hear something completely different. You write one thing and I read between, on top and under the lines. How can I ever know you and you ever know me when we can't ever really see? Grrrr.......Why! S H O U L D  I  S P E L L  I T  O U T ? Really? I can't.....maybe I can, right now on this machine.......face to face? Oh no no. Too risky....you would see into my heart. Here I hide...fingers tapping, safe. Here only my thoughts exist.......no perilous adventures for my tick tick ticker. Every day, mundane, and suddenly I'm gasping. Blinders, damn it. Was it there all along to the left, to the right...just out of sight? I could always see straight. I was on a path. You were alongside me but I never saw. I should have known. You were there. Now I know that feeling I felt......it was it. IT was not on my path...but by my side.

Come Back

You did it. You left me. Why? I’m not ready. You might have been but I am not. Oh Daddy. You squeezed my hand. I told you to fight and you nodded your head. You nodded your head but you still gave up. It wasn’t time. It wasn’t time. It wasn’t fucking time. You can’t give me hope and take it back. I need you. Where are you? Is this some fucked up dream I’m living? You are still here, aren’t you? I can feel my fingers rubbing your face. I see you. You see me. Clearly. You understand. I know you do. You did. But you left me anyway. So much unresolved. I need you. I need you like I need the damn air I breathe. I NEED YOU. Come back. Take away this fucking nightmare and come back. I need you more than HE does. I need the last hug. I need your love. I want to tell you. I just want to tell you………..

Unfortunately.....

I just can't lie to myself. I tried. I tried to believe you could be the one. I tried to feel you could be the one. I can usually trick myself for a while. Heavy footfalls. I hear it coming.......reality. Frustration! Frustrated. I so wanted to lose myself in you. In theory you are almost perfect. On paper, almost flawless. In my heart, you are not even close. My very being rebels against the mediocrity of you. The complications of simplicity bore me. The simplicity of complications arouse. I need them. In you they lack. You are too easy. Suffocating. I tried. Really I did. I'm just looking for another shade of green.....

The Box

Please God, don’t. Don’t take away my Daddy. I haven’t known that he loves me long enough. It feels good to know. I need to know he is here. You can’t just take away my small circle. I’m too alone. I don’t have enough love. All I ever wanted was him. I never had him. At least that is what I thought. I grew up so envious of them all, daddy this and daddy that. Not me. Burning with envy on the inside, smiling without a care on the outside. Over the years, the envy turned to hate, the hate to anger. Then came the box. A few years ago, he showed me the box. All my photos, all my letters. A box of me. He showed me proudly. I was there, all along, in his heart…in the box. The anger turned to acceptance, the acceptance to love. The fine line reversed. We need more time. The box is not full. 

I Knew

I feel it. God I do . Behind me. In front of me. Next to me. Facing me......piercing eyes, staggered breath, palpitations. You touch me with that stare. It consumes me. I have to close my eyes and throw my head back. I feel you. You make me ache without touch. Tremble. I can finally look. Gasp. A desire unlike desire, painful. My lips brush yours. They open ever so slightly. I felt more in that moment than I felt in a lifetime. I need.....I want.......I desire. I knew. I just knew. You. Only you.

Never Good Enough..

I’m fucking hurting. It’s been this way my whole life. I’m torn between what should be and what really is. But…is what should be what really should be or what I think should be to me? Want to grab my hair and rip it out and scream. But, I won’t. I hurt enough. I’m tired of being almost good enough…never good enough…..close to good enough. Was never good enough. My childhood story. Not for her. Bitch. You should have never been born. Why were you born? You are stupid. You are not smart. You will never be anything. My ears are ringing bitch! I hear you. I fucking hear you 30 years later. I love you. I hate you. Fast forward. Deep inside….I hate myself. I’m not good enough. The surface tells another story. My fairytale. The one I want. My invention. I’m so happy. My smile tells you so. Confident, independent. Yes. Me. Outside. Inside, I cringe. I know you see my heavy soul. I know you see the black. I know you see me, or do you see the smile? Soooo in pain. So not good enough. For you, for me, for them, for her. For No one. l almost was. For him. Then he laughed and went to her. He had fun though. He was sorry, for a second, until he saw her smile. You are always happy. So you think. So you think. So I say. So I don’t feel. I do feel that fucking voice in my head. Take away that voice, that reminder…..let me forget for a few moments. Let me feel the things I show. Please……Please give me the world. Please just want me. My body is so filled with giving. I want to give it all. Unselfish…I would give my very soul…but it’s just never good enough. It’s so easy to just give up. Pretend. Hurt inside…physically…deep…..gutting me, but you only see my smile. Good enough.

Once Upon A Time

It was once upon a time and that time passed. Fairy tales were alive in her heart, in her very being. Passed. Past. Cinderella she is not, not even Sleeping Beauty. Her long hair won’t conjure a prince. There is no knight. There is no horse. There is only her reality, no longer her dreams. Her heart is heavy with emptiness. Her once upon a time…..passed.

Nostalgia

A slight trace of that familiar scent, I breathe it in. I close my eyes, surrender to the memories.  God..How I miss her, you took her from me….she was always here and now she is with you.  Is she there? Does she know how I feel? Is she happy? I can’t forget. I don’t want to forget….. but it makes my chest ache and my head pound and my eyes blur and my head swim with her……Guilt, mind numbing guilt. I didn’t say it when she was here. I didn’t show her when I could.  Time passes and nostalgia won’t stay away. I see her, I hear her, I smell her, I feel her frail body around every corner.  Times like now, alone,…the assault begins, the reminders of her, my Yiayia. What is this life we lead? To know love, exhilaration, exultation only to rip those sublime emotions from my very being. Keep your anguish…no more angst……no more. Nothing is forever….my tears tell me so….the pain that stabs at my soul tells me so…. I want to scream and never stop. I open my mouth but sound eludes me….I’m drowning in my bitter tears, I’m drowning in lonely. 

Serendipity

Unexpected, not sought, sheer accident…….. Melting. Can’t battle my own heart, it is simply serendipity.  Past assumptions laid to rest, old beliefs discarded. Opening myself to thaw. Do you see what I feel world? The abundance of character, of sweet…I almost forgot. Understanding, accepting the child and the me, both one. The beauty of someone untouched by arrogance, willing to extol, not berate. No ego, just confidence. Beneath the surface lies my soul, the soul he sees, while they circle blindly.  A willing participant in my naivety yet aware of truth. A final chapter yet unknown. To serendipity I leave my fate.

Pass The Torch

Talk about an epiphany.  I was just standing there watching her. Beautiful, fresh, untouched.  A smile tinged with the blithe disregard of youth. Naïve. Doubled over, paralyzed…….sucker punched.  Not my reflection, not me. It’s her…..was me, but not me now. I see. I feel…the reality. I just need a moment. It’s been mine for so long. Too long. I should have passed it on before. I’m selfish……I just didn’t see, blind denial. I thought I was still her. I felt I was still her. I was……many years ago. Reverse time…grass is green…..straight, curly……dark, light……tall, short….it’s always there. Just be me. Just smile. Pass the torch, it’s time. It was time so long ago. It still feels like a sucker punch, but then again, realization usually does.

The Runaway Date

I really want it. I really do. Right? Yes…..maybe……I think……I don’t know…….Uhhh. My head is this whirlwind of ideas. I can’t keep up. It’s constantly 10 steps ahead of me as I lag behind trying to muster the energy for the chase. I will never be two steps ahead of myself, myself seems to always win. 

My mind is blazing with the future. Daydreaming…..your lips, your smile. Yes it’s thumping, a day, a week sometimes even a month…….

But wait….did you just say that? Did you really.. Hm, I have to think this through now. I don’t think I like that. Do I? I don’t. No I really don’t. Runaway……there are more. Runaway now.

No Really.....It's You, Not Me.

And to think that I actually let that sliver of doubt pierce my logic. I believed it was me. Oh it wasn’t just you…it was him and him too. And don’t forget him. Insane, jealous, possessive, insecure, finger pointing Him’s and He’s…..Did you really think I wouldn’t see through your thinly veiled attempts to wear those masks? Oh yes…..I wavered then became the skeptic. Always shoulder the blame first. Instead of him or he. I should have stopped, held back, obey obey damn it. Ahaaa no, one too many times. It’s not me. I don’t tear down to build me. YOU yes YOU. Find your own spine, mine is too strong and frankly, I hold it too high for you to touch. 

The Mirror

I have been staring into the mirror just a little longer than usual every morning for a while. I keep experiencing a  momentary feeling of panic. It's there. I push it away. I ignore it. I push it the hell away and close my eyes. I don't remember that face that stares back at me. It didn't look like that before. I swear it didn't. It used to glow with youth, with ignorance, It didn't know any better. I never cared. The mirror was my friend. God...I can't freaking breathe now, I'm gasping.......But wait..what do I see now? Happiness? I can see all the moments I've laughed. Is this the first time I truly see?  Look at my strength...it's there...I see it....I really see it. It was hiding, waiting until I was ready. The love, joy, determination, dignity.....there. The mirror is not my enemy. I breathe easy.

Almost Again....

This weekend, I danced in the rain........danced with the past, I danced with you. The look that burns into my breast.....the searing touch that shocks........I feel you across the room. I feel you inches away. I feel you everywhere. My heart pounds either way. I feel I might suffocate from the intensity. The rain pours down my face, drenching my body, but all I can feel is your breath.....all I can feel is the pull of you. You part your lips so close to mine but there are no words.....only heat. My skin feels inflamed as your cheek lightly teases me....your kiss so soft as if imagined. All the while.......the look....oh God, again...the look.....magnetic force pulling me to you. You. Once before with you....only you, but never since you. As if guiding us, the sky becomes enraged and pounds away mercilessly drenching us with its fury. You repudiate its power........while I surrender to the assault. I can't breathe with your denial. I'm exhausted......sometimes the past is too much to bear. ~D.P.

Conversations With Myself......

Shhhh......I have a secret. I am my own worst enemy. Have I just discovered this? Somewhat. I pride myself on never allowing myself to be the coulda..shoulda...woulda...girl. Looking back though I now question myself. I am digging deep here...digging very deep. Daphne......"you have nothing to fear but fear itself....you have nothing to fear but fear itself." To be truthful, I have been a coward, a sorry ass coward. Honestly, there really is nothing to fear but fear itself. If I don't chase my dreams....and don't aspire to be what I want, what am I? A coward. Plain and simple. It's getting clear. Fear of rejection......need for approval. It all goes back to my grandmother. I will not use this as an excuse. I will not. I am 35 and will hold myself accountable. The dawning of realization is the first step. Maybe I am crazy.....maybe I am having an epiphany. Growing up with my grandmother was a trial. She never failed to mention what a bad person I was, was a loser I was, how I would never amount to anything, how I should have never been born......these are some of my first memories that continue till her death. Everything....everything I did growing up was to prove her wrong. Stellar grades....teacher's pet.......yes Yiayia....I am a somebody....I do deserve to be here.  In the end no matter your achievements, you can't satisfy the rigidly judgemental..you really can't.  I didn't fail, or did I? I think the question remained, albeit buried beneath the false bravado. Inside it has festered. It pains me to admit. It has been my shadow all along, taunting. It guides me...it comforts me.....it loves me....it is my crutch. I am afraid, afraid I don't deserve. I don't deserve all that I damn know I can accomplish....I am not good enough. I don't deserve lofty expectations....who am I? I don't deserve love...I am not worthy. Oh yes, I am very good at hiding this from most. It's time for me turn away from that sardonically comforting voice and face my fears. It's time to say goodbye to that excuse and time to love myself. It's time to do.

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Fool me once shame on you..........fool me twice shame on me right? Been down this path. Yes....oh yes I should know better now. What irks me is the fact that I still trust....I still see that glimmer of happiness in my path and I refuse to discount someone without a benefit of a doubt. I suppose that this makes me naive....gullible perhaps. Too nice? Maybe. Too caring? Maybe again. I do feel the heavy weight of the past bearing down on me. I need to escape before it over powers me and pins me down on my ass like a 10 ton burden . Then it will all be different. Jaded, untrusting, suspicious. Not a way to live. I miss the freedom of lighthearted laughter, the impulsive toss of the head, the glimmer of genuine joy in the eyes. Oh how these small mishaps accumulate upon a heart and turn those signs of innocent joy into skepticism. Do I have the strength to fight for how I truly want to exist or will I let the weight alter my course, devoid of the carefree days for which I so yearn.

Glutton For Punishment

So, I admit that I make some questionable choices. Yes I do. I've admitted it before! At times my brain is a tad slow catching up with my impulses. I have fun.....I sometimes piss people off...hell I even piss myself off. Really though if you think about it, I am different. You will probably never meet another me, ha ha you might not want to.

OK now, stop distracting me! We are talking about choices.....yes...well I find myself in a spot and it's tormenting me. I'm behaving in such an un-Daphne-like manner. It's like I'm lying in a driveway and instructing a car to run me over repeatedly. The sick thing.....I find the loss of control just a little too appealing and just slightly sexy.  Yes yes.....I know right? Me? It's only temporary, I swear it!  I am sure the moment of enlightenment will kick in and I will think I was fucking bonkers to allow that. It's just that I see that small smidgen of humanity there. It is there. I know it. It's hiding behind those damn indentations in the cheeks. Did I mention That if those dimps had a "like" button I would press it repeatedly? Am I just bored? Is this being caused by the hiatus or is the hiatus being caused by this? Am I struck with a moment of true servility or am I actually secretly the snakey sycophant? Twisted your tongue there didn't I?

Oh well.....I know one thing....absence does not make my heart grow fonder.....I say out of sight out of mind. That is how I know this too shall pass. A glutton for now? Sure...just a little longer......

All My Roles Equal Me.

So.....We've established that my name is Daphne. Who am I? When I was married, I lost myself. I somehow lost who I was and morphed to nothingness. Yes I was a wife....became a mom....but I lost myself along the way. It seems likes such a cliche but it happens. I let it happen. I was living in Australia. I had no friends and my family was so far. My husband should have been my family. I was lost. Where did this girl go that liked to be spontaneous. This bold vivacious woman that could run through the sprinklers on a hot day with a smile that could light up the darkness. I used to find the joy in such simple things. I was not finding the joy in anything. I felt like an automated version of myself going through the motions. My inner fire, my zest, my passion were pushed to recesses of my soul waiting for ME to dig deep and bring them up again.

Years later and who am I now? I'm full of that fire. I am passionate about everything. I am NOT afraid to open my big mouth and often put my foot in it. I am not afraid to make mistakes. I know that without them I will never learn. My mistakes are part of who I am. My successes are part of who I am. My follies are part of who I am. My experiences are part of who I am.

What is my title? Mother, daughter, cousin, niece, granddaughter, friend, co worker, employee, media rep, chef, personal shopper, personal taxi, banker, bather, nurse, confidante! YES YES YES.............
most of all......I am ME! Finally.

Just A Heartache.......Par For The Course......

So...I've worked hard. I've created a cement mixture with dirt and water to create bricks. I slaved away on these bricks over the years and slowly build a fortress. The wall has served me well. It has survived attack on all sides. My wall has protected me from sticks and stones, rocks, boulders and hell even direct fire. Sure, I've had to make a few minor repairs over the years. Walls like anything else can fall into disrepair without regular maintenance. Ok...fine....we know how the fucking wall was built.

WHY THE FUCK DID I LET HIM TEAR IT DOWN?

Why did I think for even a minute that I did not need its protection? I lost my safety net. My heart, my well being, my soul are bare.

Yes....I know......stupidity......maybe........dreaming of something for which I secretly yearn?

I see my gross misjudement.....my error. Never expose yourself Daphne, damn it. Why Why why? Idiot.

So now I begin again. Maybe this time I will use armour?

Lost And Found

Reality check. Don't limit yourself. All that you seek can be right under your nose but you are too idiotic in your self imposed restrictions to see it. Step out of the box, you might be pleasantly surprised. They might even walk outside without knowing you were looking for just that!

The "honeymoon phase"

So you finally feel the butterflies in your stomach. You spend mindless minutes imagining his lips, his smile, his eyes, the way he looks at you. You are filled with the anticipation of your next meeting. He puts that silly grin on your face. he makes you laugh. You can't keep your hands off him. He makes you melt. His touch sets you on fire, you feel tingly from your scalp to your tippy toes. Your heart rate speeds up. Your breathing feels shallow. God. Can this last? This feeling of all feelings? Is it the now and not the tomorrow? Is it the this month and not the next, maybe this year? Whatever it is, this minute it fucking rocks.

Dating Down & Dating Up

How is a fucking car door such a big deal? Since when have first date manners tanked? When did it become OK to stop courting? Is this the beast that "feminism" has created? I know, women wanted to work, we wanted equal rights, we want equal pay for equal work but does this mean that the traditional male/female lines have blurred?

I don't want to open my own doors and no I don't want to "go dutch". I want YOU to walk on the outside and be a MAN. Yes You! Plan the date, woo me, inspire me, make me see stars! Make me feel shy, make me want to hold your hand. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach.

Can I open my own door? Yes. But why? You are the man. Come out caveman! Take charge. I am tiger hear me roar. Ha ha. OK a little overboard yes.

Singlehood is fabulous, dating is exciting but where is he? Can we find that mix of all we want or must we settle for that mix of what we almost want?

Heart Thumping

I'm sitting here waiting. Anticipation is a beautiful shitty feeling. Will it be worth the butterflies? Will the hours I've spent imagining be worth it? I long to feel that feeling again, to gaze and feel that jolt. Again, I have just been going through the motions. I have just been playing games. Not so nice but I'm so fucking bored. There has to be that feeling again. There has to be. I remember it. I liked it. In fact, I loved it. It's new, it's shiny, it's great. Will it lose it's shine? No no no. The anticipation. It's a beautiful shitty feeling.

Peeves...

My biggest biggest pet peeve besides burping out loud is someone that does not do what they say they are going to do. Are they trying so hard to be people pleasers? Well news to all the flakes out there...........just say no or don't say anything at all. Uhhhhhh.......why are there so many of them out there. Are you telling people what they want to hear even when you have no intention of fulfilling the promise? Get a freaking backbone!!! Shut the hell up! Don't make plans and then flake. Don't make promises you will break. Don't say things you don't mean. You are my unfavorites. Too bad there are so many...........

Now I Get It

I get the whole older man younger woman thing. I now understand. I am 34. I am divorced. I am dating Mr. 21. So now I get it. I get it for several reasons. Why would Mr. 21 want to date a 34 year old? Reality says there is no future. I say there is no future. Yes, I'm hot, I'm smart and I tell it like it is. I don't play the games I used to play when I was 21. I know what I want and I get what I want. My personality is big and strong. Mr. 21 says he hates the games and the bullshit that those silly girls play. I am not silly. I rock. Mr. 21 sends me texts everyday to the effect of "hey beautiful, I miss you". Mr. 21 treats me like I am the cherry on top. It's cute. Since my divorce two years ago, I never meet Mr. 34+, I meet Mr. 26's and Mr. 24's and now Mr. 21. I think, "hm...where are the 21 year old women?" Ahhhhh, now I get it! They are with Mr. 34+. Ha ha. Fabulous. Gosh. Now I get it. Now I get what they say. My Mr. 21 year old is not yet jaded. He has not been through life. He is not bitter, he is not tired, he is not pissed. He is fresh and sees things through new eyes. He is still sweet. Now I get it.

Breathing In

I learned a lesson last week. Death sucks and not for those that die, but for those that are left behind. I learned that guilt sucks. No matter what we do or say when they are alive, we will feel guilt. Last week, I lost my grandmother, my Yiayia. I will never again hear her voice, I will never again see her face. I won't hear her telling me to turn my shoes right side up. I won't have anyone to bless me with oil and water to take the evil eye off me. This is all in the past, my Yiayia and her Greek superstitions.
I made it to the hospital to see her die. No no no no, this is not my Yiayia. You must be mistaken! My Yiayia is much heavier, she can talk, she can smile, she can see, she can move. She can....I swear she can. Where is she? But wait, that is her hair, those are her hands, that is her smooth skin. Is she alive? I can see her chest moving.....barely. Why is her mouth frozen open? Is she trying to talk to me? Does she want to talk to me? Move Yiayia. Please move. I lean in. I swear I can smell death on her breath. It's a sour acrid smell. But it also means life because I feel its heat on my face. I welcome the smell. In fact I breathe it in. I need it. I want it. It means I still have her. Yiayia, I love you. Can you hear me? I'm sorry I didn't say it before. I'm sorry I couldn't hug you. I'm sorry I rushed you off the phone. I'm sorry I didn't visit more. I do love you. I really really do. Keep breathing. Let me inhale. Just let me inhale a little more. Give me a sign, any sign that you can hear me. They told me hearing was the last to go. Can you hear me through the morphine haze? Can you hear me as the cancer wins its battle? Are you in there? Is your mind alive? Do you see, do you feel? Is your soul begging to be released from this place...from its shell? Is it better if you go? Did you wait for me? Did you need to see us before you go? Go now Yiayia. Go. Go. Go. Go. Be in peace and leave me with my guilt. I will kiss your smooth forehead and my tears will fall on your cheeks. I love you.