Swan Song

My one forever constant.

Alternated between loving, hating, despising, adoring, cherishing, always something. Longing, lusting for you with a manic need. Manic love. 

You, my planned tomorrow from an accidental yesterday. 

My solace, keeping sadness at bay.....there was the constant, the crutch of you. 

I depended on YOU...and in turn it enabled my independence. I needed no one. I had you. 

Thirst to feel those somethings, those anything moments.Years of thirst led me to the mirage..to you. 

You were not you or maybe I am no longer the me I was with you. 

Hopes dashed. I'm filled with nothing. What I thought, isn't. Even my crocodile tears believed what my very being so wanted. I lived on old memories but I didn't account for change. I just wasn't the same yet I didn't know, until I was staring at a stranger. 

My one forever constant......

is just no more. 

Heart Thumping

I'm sitting here waiting. Anticipation is a beautiful shitty feeling. Will it be worth the butterflies? Will the hours I've spent imagining be worth it? I long to feel that feeling again, to gaze and feel that jolt. Again, I have just been going through the motions. I have just been playing games. Not so nice but I'm so fucking bored. There has to be that feeling again. There has to be. I remember it. I liked it. In fact, I loved it. It's new, it's shiny, it's great. Will it lose it's shine? No no no. The anticipation. It's a beautiful shitty feeling.