Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Conversations With Myself......

Shhhh......I have a secret. I am my own worst enemy. Have I just discovered this? Somewhat. I pride myself on never allowing myself to be the coulda..shoulda...woulda...girl. Looking back though I now question myself. I am digging deep here...digging very deep. Daphne......"you have nothing to fear but fear itself....you have nothing to fear but fear itself." To be truthful, I have been a coward, a sorry ass coward. Honestly, there really is nothing to fear but fear itself. If I don't chase my dreams....and don't aspire to be what I want, what am I? A coward. Plain and simple. It's getting clear. Fear of rejection......need for approval. It all goes back to my grandmother. I will not use this as an excuse. I will not. I am 35 and will hold myself accountable. The dawning of realization is the first step. Maybe I am crazy.....maybe I am having an epiphany. Growing up with my grandmother was a trial. She never failed to mention what a bad person I was, was a loser I was, how I would never amount to anything, how I should have never been born......these are some of my first memories that continue till her death. Everything....everything I did growing up was to prove her wrong. Stellar grades....teacher's pet.......yes Yiayia....I am a somebody....I do deserve to be here.  In the end no matter your achievements, you can't satisfy the rigidly judgemental..you really can't.  I didn't fail, or did I? I think the question remained, albeit buried beneath the false bravado. Inside it has festered. It pains me to admit. It has been my shadow all along, taunting. It guides me...it comforts me.....it loves me....it is my crutch. I am afraid, afraid I don't deserve. I don't deserve all that I damn know I can accomplish....I am not good enough. I don't deserve lofty expectations....who am I? I don't deserve love...I am not worthy. Oh yes, I am very good at hiding this from most. It's time for me turn away from that sardonically comforting voice and face my fears. It's time to say goodbye to that excuse and time to love myself. It's time to do.

1 comment:

  1. I don't deserve love...I am not worthy. Oh yes, I am very good at hiding this from most.



    comment: thankgod you said from most, not all!
    only a good friend would have told you that in your face not behind your back.

    ReplyDelete