Thursday, March 3, 2011

Never Good Enough..

I’m fucking hurting. It’s been this way my whole life. I’m torn between what should be and what really is. But…is what should be what really should be or what I think should be to me? Want to grab my hair and rip it out and scream. But, I won’t. I hurt enough. I’m tired of being almost good enough…never good enough…..close to good enough. Was never good enough. My childhood story. Not for her. Bitch. You should have never been born. Why were you born? You are stupid. You are not smart. You will never be anything. My ears are ringing bitch! I hear you. I fucking hear you 30 years later. I love you. I hate you. Fast forward. Deep inside….I hate myself. I’m not good enough. The surface tells another story. My fairytale. The one I want. My invention. I’m so happy. My smile tells you so. Confident, independent. Yes. Me. Outside. Inside, I cringe. I know you see my heavy soul. I know you see the black. I know you see me, or do you see the smile? Soooo in pain. So not good enough. For you, for me, for them, for her. For No one. l almost was. For him. Then he laughed and went to her. He had fun though. He was sorry, for a second, until he saw her smile. You are always happy. So you think. So you think. So I say. So I don’t feel. I do feel that fucking voice in my head. Take away that voice, that reminder…..let me forget for a few moments. Let me feel the things I show. Please……Please give me the world. Please just want me. My body is so filled with giving. I want to give it all. Unselfish…I would give my very soul…but it’s just never good enough. It’s so easy to just give up. Pretend. Hurt inside…physically…deep…..gutting me, but you only see my smile. Good enough.

3 comments:

  1. A few year ago I stopped by your Mom's house and there you were laying on the floor with your kids pretend traveling to different countries. I think you all were "visiting" China. You imagined with them what you would be seeing, eating, wearing.

    I thought it was pretty freakin' amazing. I thought you were such a fabulous Mom. That's how I see you.

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  2. :) I remember that. Very sweet to say. Thank you.

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  3. You're welcome. Glad to read by your most recent post that you're feeling...um...better. *wink*

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